today is the 3rd day of attachment n i am going to die soon..so tired..yday we are so bz that we dun have enough time to finish what i need to do..no time to read case note..how can we do our case study?well..my lecturer is gonna say u go think what u wan to do about it lor..n walk off..
haiz..i miss 11B..cos the way they pass report is more clear..not like my current ward..abit messy..dunno what they talking..it seem like the more they pass the more i am confused..hopefully this 3 weeks will end soon..n i cant wait for this sat..cos can rest n at the same time i can see dear..haha..
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finally exam over..yeah..haha..went out n spend alot of money this few days..
mon..study with von n ben..at his hse..played with his new laptop..got webcam..so fun..von fall in love with his laptop..keep on playing webcam..had dinner at his place..cos we stayed back n watch a tv programme called "i shouldn't b alive.."it a nice show..quite exciting..
tue..meet ben in the morning..study n used laptop to see thru e-learning..so many thing to go thru..lunch..his mum cooked for us..his mum prayed over our papers..lifting up to God to handle..Do your best n God will do the rest..after our lunch..his neighbour came over..she is a primary 4 gal..when she came over..she gave his mum attitude..feel like slapping her..she is so rude..btw..Thanks elaine n ain for telling me tt i got the last paper date wrong..it suppose to b on thur n not wed..haha..
wed..today is ben last paper..he so happy..me n von meet at 2.30pm to study at bishan macs..quite surprise tt ben will turn up..but i am happy..haha..ard4 plus went over his place..to use laptop again..i got some words i dunno..finally going to have my last paper soon..tml is a long day for me..
thur..had my last paper at 8.30am..hmmm..gd..manage to write alot for the SAQ part..60 marks..but lucky spread into 4 questions..went out with zi yu after tt..met for lunch n shop ard toa payoh..nite met alex for dinner..at orchard..shop ard too..wah..spend alot today..
fri..yeah..today me von n ben went for swimming..at the begining the weather is cool n nice..but when ben came..the sun start to come out..so hot..but i enjoyed it..ate lunch at KCPSS..1st time..the food is nice..no wonder von like secondary sch food so much..after tt..parade..was gd..went to eat RK with von,kang wei,gerard,mr yam n ben..the food there is nice..
ben..u know i dun like shan..but y must u always do tt?since u know i dun like shan..if u are going out with her..let me know.. even if i go out..i oso let u know..out of respect..ya..u know i very disappointed in u when u say me n shan know u are jealous..but what can we do?nothing..so we carry on with what we doing..at tt poing of time..i cried..i so disappointed in u..really..n i dun understand y u dun wan me to join 5th..u always say no..but what the reason????rmb the joke me n von played on u?u got angry..guess i am the 1st person u throw ur temper at..really..imagine..if tt person is shan..will u throw ur temper at her?u wont..
sat..went for svr..came back tt time my brother told me my baby cousin pearlin is warded to KKH again..this time she throw fits..
sun..went to visit my baby cousin today..she so poor thing..whole ward is her crying n screaming sound..her hand n eyes are abit swollen..hand is cos of the drip..hope she'll b out soon..tml attachment..haiz..
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2 papers are down..left another 2 more papers..no comment on it..let God handle it ba..
met ben on thur..after paper..to study..then we went to watch ant bully..nice story..enjoyed the time watchin with him..
fri met von at her hse to study..nothing much happened..end my paper at 6.30pm..only release at 7pm..then msg ben..asked me y so late then go home..haha..he got some old friends come over so he dinner out..
sat..yday APC at SP..never attend..stay at home to do some hsework..mop the floor..so dirty..haha..then went to church svr..power weekend..the svr is gd..feel refresh..saw alot of testimonies..ya..i agree what the pastor said..is all about ur faith..
only when u BELIEVE..all things are possible..well..i oso saw samuel koe..wanted to hug him n cry..thou he is strict with me in my spiritual walk..i know he wan me to rely on God only..i really know..but it like..i dunno where is God..i like lost..but in the end i didnt hug him..like what von say..i dun dare..i dunno y..i just give me a sense of betraying ben if i do tt..
sun..staying at home n study my last 2 papers..alot of things to study..but just not in the mood to study..haiz..
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yday went to study with von..still long way to go..must jia you..haha..met up with ben at ard 4pm..went to watch click..nice show..it contain alot of meaning..learn to treasure the person u love..treasure the time u have with them..cos u wont always be with them..ben got angry after we went to watson's..cos we played a trick on him..he pinch my cheek..saying i am cheeky..so painful..at nite i ask him what he think n how he feel?cos i observe that he kept looking at von when she kept the stuff..he say he dun like what me or von did..no mood to meet me this whole week liao..i really wan to ask u..u can dun like what me n von did..then how about me?i dun like the thing when u do with shan..
til now u still havent reply my msg..it ok..i not gonna to care or wait for ur reply anymore..last msg before i sleep..then tt it..i'll keep quiet..i know it gonna to b painful..i know i going to miss u..but it ok..
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healing a broken heart..
ok..start with fri..11/8/06..
today last day of attachment..of cos feel sad cos i had great fun over there..learning different things..what i like most is kong jing allowed me to write communication sheet..unlike most?mayb is when patient go missing ba..met von after attachment..sat outside the ward..she cried..she asked me..what is the purpose living in this world?think i should just jump and die..it hurt me when she said that..she remind me of what she wrote..after tt we went for parade at 5th coy..they had first aid test..i followed ben for the stage 2..mark their paper at the same time watch them doing their practical..was laughing thru out..partly is the paper..they give all sort of answer..another reason is cos of the practical..they didnt do properly..all anyhow do..after which me n von met ben's parent at the clifford pier there while he stay back to do a talk for parent's meeting..Thanks God that he is able to join us for the firework..had fun..well..dear..i am touched..cos at 1st u said u might not b joining us..but in the end u turn up..
sat..met von n him to study..then go work for my mum..quite sad cos i cant go watch the last firework display..work til 10.30pm..so tired..nothing much..
sun..went for svr..pastor dominic finish his 2 weeks series on core value..value that we use to walk our life..a principle for doing thing..learnt alot from it..sis is coming back soon..time to update her liao..what should i tell her?tell her life is not going smoothly?tell her tt me n ben are close which she dunwan me to be at this point of time?sis has been standing in between..neither agree or disagree this r/s..my leaders are opposing this r/s..1st..we are not from the same church..2nd..cos they think it not time yet..haiz..wait til tt day then say ba..let sis come n ask me..tml going to study with von..must study liao..exam on thur..
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opps..
met ben yday..stay at his home..didnt go out..cos his dad took his 'gf' out..actually is his favourite camera..haha..so stay at home n watch tv while he preparing 1st aid test paper..enjoyed myself yday..hehe
today went back for attachment..2nd last day..got needle pricked injury..mon xin yi kena..then i was thinking about this qn..what if i got prick by needle?what will he b thinking..n true enough..while preparing medication..i pricked myself..havent inject patient i poke myself..haha..told him about it..then he reply quite fast..dangerous right?
think thru this small incident n reply..i know he is anxious about me if i got injure in work..
tml last day..after work going for 5th coy parade..spoken to von on the phone just now..she said if really move out of hse..she might need to find part time job..i dunno if it a right time for her to move out..i still believe tt what her mum said is just out of anger..it not from her heart..mayb she cried..it just tt she didnt see ba..she reminded me of my mum..when i was small..my dad used to b very hot-temper guy..abit of thing he'll take thing n throw or scold all the 'nice' word..my mum did think of leavin the house..but she didnt..cos of me n my brothers..but thanks God cos He change my dad alot..now he is not as hot-temper as the past liao..
to von:
many times things are not what we see or hear..the tone they use may be harsh..but deep inside their heart..it might b a knife cutting/stabbing it..sometimes when i hear u cried over the phone..it hurt my heart..cos u are under so much stress n is goin to break down soon..thou many times i cant b at ur side lending u my shoulder..but Thanks for being at my side accompany me ups and downs in my r/s with ben..i know things are not gonna b easy..but i'll continue to seek God..i'll..love ya sis..
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yday went to watch the fast n the furious:tokyo drift with ben..morning went for service with ben..then went to ps to get some cards..while ben go for lunch with BS frenz..then after he come over and meet me for movie..i think i should agree to meet him..cos he is tired..was thinking y then in the 1st place he ask me to wait for him?i really dunno..auntie nora said we will b together..but i dunno..u know i was happy when she say tt?cos ben is a nice guy..but he is really quiet..i dunno how to communicate with him when he dun ever share with me what he thinkin..is like we got nothing to talk..sometime i feel like taking a break from this r/s..i really dunno how to improve this r/s..i wan him to b happy..but how?starting to miss von and nurul..
haix..time up..must get ready to go work liao..i very tired..
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jealousy
ya..i feeling jealous now..at this moment..i dunno y..i just dun like shan..ben said she's sick today..so not eating dinner with us..but when we meet up after the firework..she dun look sick to me..still active..making noise..well..ben n her are close..saw ben laughin happily..it like it dun happen when only me n him..it like there nothing we can talk about sometimes..i really dunno what to say at times..
just before firework..me u n von went to get dinner at macs..u started giving me attitude..giving the pissed off tone..i know u are pissed off..but i dunno what u pissed off at..then after the firework u back to normal..
really..who am i to u?where are u when i am in bad mood?when i scare of something happen?u not at my side..
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feeling tired now..spoke to my patient today..chat about life..she said ben is very jealous type..advise me not to do something tt he dun like..but how i know what he like n dun like?guess it'll b my homework to do tt..i thanks God for this lady..she tell me alot of stuff..
ya..i starting to miss ben..certain thing happened these few days..especially my grandma..she going for another op..i dunno what is happenin now..i dreamt tt she die on wed night..during my attachment..2nd time..i really scare each time my phone vibrate..he know my fear?he know tt i need him to b at my side?mayb he know..well..whatever it is..think i should cool down n think about the qn i type out in the previous post..
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just had a chat with von online..she ask me to read eby blog..well..honestly after reading his entry..think i can feel how von is feeling at tt point of time..
it make me think of my r/s too..does ben know?
i dun think so..
it make me think:
who am i to him?
what does this r/s mean to him?
is it impt to him?
does he take this r/s seriously?
does he treasure me?
do he still love me?
i know i ask these qn alot of time..but really..it hurt me when he said he rather treasure me as a frenz than a gf..it make me dun feel like doing anything..just stay at tt spot..
nowaday when he kiss me on my forehead..it make me feel tt u just do it not cos he really wan..doing for the sake of doing it..
von say b4 he care but he dun show..i really dunno..frenz are more impt to him i guess.. 8 months has gone..does this 8 months has any significance to him?
who am i really to him?
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